the best thing abt being a depression-ist, is that once u have affirmed that the ugliest was painted but its not even a fraction representative of the actual picture. everything becomes a whole lot more beautiful relative from the painted ugly picture.
deep down i am a twisted depression-ist...
so everything turn out fine. like always, like usual. THATs good. i like the usual part. becos, its diabetic-ally sweet. and who isnt a sucker for sweet stuff?
details? once again too many overlooked assumption. so engineer-ically speaking, have to iterate the workings with the newly estimated values and alterated assumptions. an engineer's work never cease, as we try to slowly unravel nature's secret one variable at a time and one assumption at a time.
meanwhile, i think its safe to say that i kinda of like dumping my worries and complains and watever nasty things here. i guess i like it that way and/or i find another alternative method.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
made another attempt to drop off the letter at her car again jus now. the time was 2115hrs. to yet another disappointment, the car wasnt there.
she was said to be attending a family sort of church wedding around noon time. so i predicted that well, 2115hr looks like a fine good time to be back home. since she will be having a hetic day tmr. with church in the morning and later goin to batam for ski-ing with her colleagues.
this latest failed attempt has made me realise 2 important lessons. 1) it is definitely pointing towards the directions that i am not supposed to apologise for wat i did at her graduation ceremony. after the failed attempt at the car park. i tried to drop it at her home. and nothing...nobody's home.
the next thing that i have come to realise is how badly i have failed as a bf. the word is TERRIBLY. sad and pathetic attempts like this makes me wonder why i am still carrying on the name as her bf.
so after the failed attempt i tried to find out where she was. up to this point, please note that i dun have the habit of seriously obessing with her every single move. however, it is continuous failure of my surprise discreet actions that lead me down this path.
back to topic, she replied that she was still out at 2115+hrs, which was fine with me on any other sat. BUT not this sat. i tried twice on 2 different occasion asking her out, but was directly and straight in the face turned down by the reason of havin wedding to attend today. so i said fine.
wat really breaks the last straw was that upon enquiring if she was still out celebrating with her family, she stopped sms-ing. that was an expected response, i wouldnt have expected otherwise. this sudden breakdown in sms-ing has only 2 reasons.
reason 1: she doesnt wanna lie and doesnt want to say the truth. hence the third option of silence is used. this is an often used technique, which in fact, i hate.
reason 2: she didnt get the sms i sent.
i am however, quite inclined to believe the reason 2. becos if it really lead to reason 1, ... the picture jus turns bad.
alan's imagination:
degraded from 1 date per month to jus sms-pals. then ... the end?
she replied. saying that she is going home already. upon reciving my latest sms of asking if she got my last sms. quite confirming that it is heading towards reason 1. wat is it with her and jus saying the truth?
is she afraid that the truth hurts that she INDEED chose to go out with frens almost every other time than go out with me. not counting the recent V-day. i have nv gone out with her alone.
Not counting V-day and CNY visitation, i haven gone out with her yet. well that is not quite fair since we jus kinda of patch back at V-day and feb ended quick. so we look into march. i only met her on a tuesday, her graduation ceremony with leslie and serene along too. not that i mind their company, cos i dun think i will ever get a chance of joyce asking me out, if not for leslie and serene askin her if she wanted to double date. sad. but thats how things look from here.
how abt the rest of the month? well...still haven got confirmation of my booking with her on the 24 march and 27 march nite. cos work week, she will definitely be hanging the word tired on her mouth. and she is booked to rock climb with her colleagues next sat. so my best bet is the remainder 2nd half of march. or shld i even give a damn?
does she even know how much i gave up on tuesday to go to her ceremony? shld have jus stayed at school. there wasnt even a thanks for coming. it all ended in a quarrel.
quarrel content:
- i studied my lecture notes on the ceremony but i stopped for only her part where she goes to stage.
- i was still paying attention.
- till that day did i know that her class was too big and had to be divided into 2 classes and she was in class 2. before that i was wondering wat special meaning did class 2 had.
she felt that i shldnt be studying. ok i admit, i was doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. but she could have jus said something else other than saying that "u can dun come de lor"
sigh.
oh...i had fun with myself today. walkin around town central...guess it will be soon when more such wkends will come.
news update:
she is finally home(i guess) at 2315. now the question is shld i go and deliver the letter? ...
she was said to be attending a family sort of church wedding around noon time. so i predicted that well, 2115hr looks like a fine good time to be back home. since she will be having a hetic day tmr. with church in the morning and later goin to batam for ski-ing with her colleagues.
this latest failed attempt has made me realise 2 important lessons. 1) it is definitely pointing towards the directions that i am not supposed to apologise for wat i did at her graduation ceremony. after the failed attempt at the car park. i tried to drop it at her home. and nothing...nobody's home.
the next thing that i have come to realise is how badly i have failed as a bf. the word is TERRIBLY. sad and pathetic attempts like this makes me wonder why i am still carrying on the name as her bf.
so after the failed attempt i tried to find out where she was. up to this point, please note that i dun have the habit of seriously obessing with her every single move. however, it is continuous failure of my surprise discreet actions that lead me down this path.
back to topic, she replied that she was still out at 2115+hrs, which was fine with me on any other sat. BUT not this sat. i tried twice on 2 different occasion asking her out, but was directly and straight in the face turned down by the reason of havin wedding to attend today. so i said fine.
wat really breaks the last straw was that upon enquiring if she was still out celebrating with her family, she stopped sms-ing. that was an expected response, i wouldnt have expected otherwise. this sudden breakdown in sms-ing has only 2 reasons.
reason 1: she doesnt wanna lie and doesnt want to say the truth. hence the third option of silence is used. this is an often used technique, which in fact, i hate.
reason 2: she didnt get the sms i sent.
i am however, quite inclined to believe the reason 2. becos if it really lead to reason 1, ... the picture jus turns bad.
alan's imagination:
degraded from 1 date per month to jus sms-pals. then ... the end?
she replied. saying that she is going home already. upon reciving my latest sms of asking if she got my last sms. quite confirming that it is heading towards reason 1. wat is it with her and jus saying the truth?
is she afraid that the truth hurts that she INDEED chose to go out with frens almost every other time than go out with me. not counting the recent V-day. i have nv gone out with her alone.
Not counting V-day and CNY visitation, i haven gone out with her yet. well that is not quite fair since we jus kinda of patch back at V-day and feb ended quick. so we look into march. i only met her on a tuesday, her graduation ceremony with leslie and serene along too. not that i mind their company, cos i dun think i will ever get a chance of joyce asking me out, if not for leslie and serene askin her if she wanted to double date. sad. but thats how things look from here.
how abt the rest of the month? well...still haven got confirmation of my booking with her on the 24 march and 27 march nite. cos work week, she will definitely be hanging the word tired on her mouth. and she is booked to rock climb with her colleagues next sat. so my best bet is the remainder 2nd half of march. or shld i even give a damn?
does she even know how much i gave up on tuesday to go to her ceremony? shld have jus stayed at school. there wasnt even a thanks for coming. it all ended in a quarrel.
quarrel content:
- i studied my lecture notes on the ceremony but i stopped for only her part where she goes to stage.
- i was still paying attention.
- till that day did i know that her class was too big and had to be divided into 2 classes and she was in class 2. before that i was wondering wat special meaning did class 2 had.
she felt that i shldnt be studying. ok i admit, i was doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. but she could have jus said something else other than saying that "u can dun come de lor"
sigh.
oh...i had fun with myself today. walkin around town central...guess it will be soon when more such wkends will come.
news update:
she is finally home(i guess) at 2315. now the question is shld i go and deliver the letter? ...
this maybe the only place left for me to rant at will, complain non-stop and unload everything i carry.
this is march 10 2007 0139hrs...
why am i up so late? partially becos i was out meeting some old buddies. benny and kumar. the other part? trying to send out my letter of forgiveness...
summary update:
- back together with joyce again...
- recently attended her graduation ceremony
- did something else at her graduation ceremony
hence, i was up on the idea of writing her a letter to ask for forgiveness. this idea was to be coupled by the other idea of leaving the letter on the windscreen of her car. i visited her usual carpark at 2230hrs. no sign of her car. then again at 0100hrs. DISAPPOINTED
i wonder if i am more angry about not delivering the letter or not knowing what had happened to her. the last i heard from her was a reply that she didnt knock off earlier. that is relative to her almost everyday OT timing. if i told u that it wasnt getting to me...i will be lying through my keyboard.
its not that i am trying to keep tabs on her. but isnt it amazing how i can think of communication as the most important tool yet she is not very into this communication stuff. or maybe jus not to me?
i was jus talking to benny. he was telling me that he wasnt planning to get attached at all. seems that he feels his lack of time would lead to his lack of commitment. funny how it seems to be with joyce.
with her 5-day work week on her shoulders, the most impt thing she need at the end is a good rest. so that leaves jus wkends. with sunday being her family cohension day, saturday is the only day of the week left. however, the contenders are getting to be in a very long queue. from friends, to colleagues, to me and probable other family matters.
so if you work out the stats, i will on average get 1 date per month. the odds jus gets better, since her friends group consist of many other sub groups which can have the options of taking up more than 1 sat. not to mention the colleague bonding that is essential to all workplace.
"face it" u say. ya...i have to understand her pain-staking 'body splitting' every month. too add to above odds, she is probably the least sticky girl i have seen.
maybe the problem really actually lies with me. sighz...we will nv know.
i am of course an uninteresting person with rather low sense of humour. low apathy replaced with a very engineer's touch of reason and looking at things. i am not a dresser not to mention good looks or chiselled body. i have ego, pride and low intellect coupled with low confidence.
by now you should have a picture or the worst guy you can meet on the street. not to forget my t-shirt, basketball pants and slippers.
this is march 10 2007 0139hrs...
why am i up so late? partially becos i was out meeting some old buddies. benny and kumar. the other part? trying to send out my letter of forgiveness...
summary update:
- back together with joyce again...
- recently attended her graduation ceremony
- did something else at her graduation ceremony
hence, i was up on the idea of writing her a letter to ask for forgiveness. this idea was to be coupled by the other idea of leaving the letter on the windscreen of her car. i visited her usual carpark at 2230hrs. no sign of her car. then again at 0100hrs. DISAPPOINTED
i wonder if i am more angry about not delivering the letter or not knowing what had happened to her. the last i heard from her was a reply that she didnt knock off earlier. that is relative to her almost everyday OT timing. if i told u that it wasnt getting to me...i will be lying through my keyboard.
its not that i am trying to keep tabs on her. but isnt it amazing how i can think of communication as the most important tool yet she is not very into this communication stuff. or maybe jus not to me?
i was jus talking to benny. he was telling me that he wasnt planning to get attached at all. seems that he feels his lack of time would lead to his lack of commitment. funny how it seems to be with joyce.
with her 5-day work week on her shoulders, the most impt thing she need at the end is a good rest. so that leaves jus wkends. with sunday being her family cohension day, saturday is the only day of the week left. however, the contenders are getting to be in a very long queue. from friends, to colleagues, to me and probable other family matters.
so if you work out the stats, i will on average get 1 date per month. the odds jus gets better, since her friends group consist of many other sub groups which can have the options of taking up more than 1 sat. not to mention the colleague bonding that is essential to all workplace.
"face it" u say. ya...i have to understand her pain-staking 'body splitting' every month. too add to above odds, she is probably the least sticky girl i have seen.
maybe the problem really actually lies with me. sighz...we will nv know.
i am of course an uninteresting person with rather low sense of humour. low apathy replaced with a very engineer's touch of reason and looking at things. i am not a dresser not to mention good looks or chiselled body. i have ego, pride and low intellect coupled with low confidence.
by now you should have a picture or the worst guy you can meet on the street. not to forget my t-shirt, basketball pants and slippers.