well well well...back here again. started my swimming schedule. yesterday swam 2 laps...hahha...one small step for alan and one big one for health.

couldnt do freestyle though. still lack the stamina and the erm...rhythm? beat? hmmm...i remembered that when i started swimming...correction...when i was being scheduled for swimming practice i used to be swimming with ease. there was this rhythm or beat that i caught from swimming. either that or i was VERY in tuned with water. sound very abstract? nah...its quite elementary.

it feels like fish out of water all of a sudden. asking the mermaid to go back to water after a long life on land. haha...it has DEFINITELY been years since i last swam, seriously. i guess i have lost that connectivity with water. hahaha...speaking very ZEN-ly again. anyhow, no worries, goin to pick it up again real soon.

then again, i was doin some analysis of my life again. i was actually kinda of wondering, did my connectivity with water had anything to do with my haywired life? during my younger years, i remembered swimming as part of my life, my habit and schedule. but since a period in my life, i stopped swimming and concidentally, my life seemed to have gone out of hand.

water has always been tauted as the bringer of life and a cleansing element. i hope i can find back the connectivity with this great entity, and cleanse myself. cleanse myself of? of all the mundane and worldly matters. hahaha...now i am really speaking as though i am goin to a monastary. hahaha...

truthfully, i dun mind a short stay at the monastary. the peace, the meditation, the serenity, the calm and the self. arhhh~~~

ok...more to the updates.

Zer0 is progressing, however slowly, its still considered progress. the components are giving me a racking headache. in actual fact, we were supposed to have chosen the components at the earlier design stage. haha...i did the opposite. i designed and now only to have panick if it will fit or work. thanks for the blessing of my grand-dad, alls been well. phew~

some of them are losing heart and interest. well i cant blame them, it all boils to personal choice whether to have continual passion or limited passion. for me, their de-moralising has been quite a drag, adding additional burden unto my already very temperamental passion. haha..guess its another training i have to go through.

the worst part is that the supervisor Mr Lim is providing alot of push factor. ITs actually the Holidays for Ngee Ann poly student, whereby either you work your ass off for cold hard cash or sit at home and rot till your last flesh or spend your time and effort on other aspects of your life. for me, i dun mind coming back school to doin Zer0, after all, i do have invested passion. however, the strict restriction that even the holidays are considered project days are turing me off. hmph...not to mention those who were already demoralised.

ok...for other matters.

jus met up with coco and coconut(yan cheng) for our Publication stuffs. the design of the all important 29th anniversary Nite logo and other designs, banner and posters. it did come out quite fruitful(<--wonders if spelling is correct), left the materialization of the design prototype.

the disapperance of the 2 Floor Managers missing in the 2nd meeting, did some reprecussions in the whole sub-committee. Samatha was off overseas, attending something personal which she had took up. Benjamin, was last heard working part-time. haiz~~ the most pressing problem i guess the whole sub-committee is wondering is the location of the Anniversary Nite, with the 2 Floor Managers gone.

through this, at least it did shine something postive on Joan. haha...it put her in the super hardworking and all-round. she handled the progress report of the Floor Manager section as well as her own F&B section, not to mention helping Program Co-ordinators sought after sponsors. WOW~~ wonder-girl.

now i will tell myself that i will not fail. for it will mean breaking a promise that i commited when i first join the sub-committee. Neither will i fail Zer0. i will strive for the successful profits derived from 29th Anniversary Nite and the Championship title of Zer0 in Singapore Robotics Games, R/C and Automated Sumo catergory.

1 : back here again.
2 : troubled?
1 : yea...
2 : wats troubling you?
1 : have you tried that feeling of longing to talk to someone, but didnt do it because...
2 : because?
1 : because...u think that u are being jus bothersome and irritant.
2 : ok...so u r here because of that?
1 : no... ...aiyah...i dun know...
2 : how can i know when u dun even know?
1 : ... ... ...
2 : wat did u wanna talk to her about?
1 : all the insignificant things and little happeneings in my life
2 : why the hesitation? because u think u are bothering her with all these details?
1 : yes...well...if someone does that to me, i wld feel very much bothered too.
2 : hmmm...tough question. but the problem is, does she feel bothersome listening to it?
1 : well~~, it does seems that she is jus too busy for all these. not that i am complaining her or anything, its her life...she still runs it the way she likes.
2 : hmmm...go on...
1 : well...to bother her like that jus doesnt seems nice. she might have 1001 things to do than to listen to all this small chatters.
2 : didnt vincent tell u already? it doesnt matter how she thinks. the most important point is to get your point across. and your point is?
1 : ...i dun know...i dun have all the answers to the world u know.

training in 冰心诀 to numb, to forget and to chill

while listening to
不得不爱 ，否则快乐从何而来
不得不爱 ，不知悲伤从何而来
不得不爱 ，否则我就失去未来
好象身不由己 不能自己很失败
可是每天都过的精彩

current geographical location? at school...more specifically at alpha centre should be concentrating hard on Zer0. why am i here blogging? hmmm...

yesterday, jus had a talk with mr lim. erm...actually, he had a talk with us. he sounded very disappointed. meaning to say, he will still pass us, but with that sense of hmmmm...disappointment? it seems that being in the sumo team has its own reputation to maintain. even though there is no obvious recognition in the winner of this competition, we are still pretty much sought after.

well the image of being in the sumo team pressures. the pressure of keepin the team-mate in pace also pressures. not to mention the pressure of recent troubles pressures.

haha...finally into main topic....:) erm...how to begin?

recently, i did mention that i was growing kinda of close to a particular someone? well...that is also the problem. as this kinda of getting close part happens. it always seems to get in the way somehow. engineer's term...to be close but not too close. whenever, i get too close to someone, it always seems that i show too much care and attention. nvmind....

so being also peeved about certain things that she done. i chose to withdraw from her. not sure whether it is a wise move, but at least i can stop watching her every move so much and stop getting so peeved.

hmmm...kinda of notice that i am actually not very good at portraying my feelings and emotions very clearly or even in detail. hmmm...got to work on that.

this time round, tried to hang around the girls that are already within my vicinity. then i discover an alarming fact, either that or i am too into my own inferiority complex. that i am portraying too much of a big brother image. hmm...well, i guess thats wat i do best. thinking back, i have never been much of a big brother to anyone, how can i possibly portray such an image?

anyhow...in a very troubled state of mind. trying to maintain the straight path. to graduate go to NTU, eventually take off in the biz with vincent and matthew. hmmm...is it always too much to ask to quickly find the one then get on with the rest of our life together...happily ever after?

or at least, minimally get someone to share joy, laughter, woes and pain together?

jus realised that i sound very pathetically desperate and...pathetic!!!

hmmm.....................................................................back to Zer0

now in the midst of contstuction and programming concepts.

jus came back from wisdom tooth extraction. target : left upper one(the 3rd Molar)

i made appointment very very long ago. way before the examination or even the study break. but it didnt help allievate all the pain that my brain was generating. y i choose this date? because i figured that i cant do my exams with all this forecasted pain hence i decided upon a date somewhere after the exams. since 1 week later, i will be having the 2nd meeting, of my involvment in the 29th Anniversary Sub-com, i decided to do have the pain asap. hence forth the date and stage is set on the 19th sept.

the appointment was set at 1000 in the morning. i was still anxiously looking for Joyce to accompany me to the clinic at around 0945 in the morning. y? because of my dear mummy again. she jus had to scare me into all the scary teeth extraction that she went through in childhood. all the thing about feeling swollen when the anesthetic is administered. just yesterday night, she specifically reminded me to stay at the clinic to rest a while if i wasnt feeling alright after the extraction. -.-
how did i grow fearless and timid at the same time?
answer : thanks to mummy's consistent bombarment of scary stuff.
anyway, she had something on. SO i had to brave it alone. arggh!!!!!!!

i left the house at around 0950+. thankful that the clinic was nearby, otherwise i might be panting throughout the whole extraction. when i reached, it was about 1005 and the doctor was late. phew~ not that i am complaining about her late lack of punctunality, but i enjoyed it. maybe it was the raining that was keeping her. i wished KATRINA would keep her away, but no luck.

i was at the SEAT at around 1010 and thanks to the wall clock that is directly situated in front of the SEAT, i was able to chart the whole progress. when i sat, i could feel my heart literally pumping. i swore, the whole seat was shaking, but was i shaking? dun know. i tried to calm myself, that its nothing. haha...wat a joke. as soon as she neared me, i pumped enuff blood to flood my brains. arrghhh~~ wat insanity.

the dentist was a very nice lady. she gave off a very motherly feeling, so each session with her was nice and pleasant. she doesnt look auntie if you had gotten the wrong feeling. btw, the raining had stopped. i guess the sky stopped crying.

throughout the next 5 min, till 1015, she administered the anesthetic course, WITHOUT my knowledge. WOW~~~ isnt she great. :) first she applied this pink yet translucent anesthetic gel on my gums. next she changed a few metal syringes. but there seems to be no feeling at all. actually, the numbness came right after the gel. it worked GOOD...till now my left side of the mouth still feels very very very tired.

then the next 5 min was the main highlight, the extraction. the most gratifying thing about the extraction was the use of something similar to a workshop piler. i didnt actually question her about it or clarify my doubt. however, watever tool she got in her hand, reminded me of the tool i used in the mechanical workshop. the extraction didnt hurt, but there was this tingling feeling, which i will try to explain.

ever tried to pull a tree out of the soil? yea? when you do, there is this whole bunch of snapping sound in the soil. although you know that the roots have snapped it is still kinda of hard to totally pull it out. haha...this is the whole extraction process. i heard alot this snapping sounds in my head. i am definitely sure that i didnt make these sounds up. i think these are the sound of the veins snapping. it wasnt exactly a clean pull, she did have to jerk left and right abit before it was totally out. guess wat...NO PAIN...yea~~~

i am feeling abit lost. guess its due to the lost of blood and might you, i did lose alot. now i am biting on the gauze that the dentist gave. she instructed to bite on it for at least an hour. i guess its to apply pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. hehe...should be done biting on it at around 1130. she also instructed to take porridge for the next few days.

the next extraction, eta one month, 19 oct. snobs..sometime after my bday. wat a birthday. oh well, at least its all within the holidays, there wlnt be any inconvience propped.

wahaha...today, jus finished my exam. my one and only exam! in this semster at least. actually, the before and after exams didnt differ much, in terms of excitement level, in terms of panick-ness, in terms of anticipation and etc. so i guess i have pretty much got used to the examination stress that all these students are coin-ing. or maybe i am jus too cocky and confident, wahahahaha...

anyhow...made some progress on the emotional level. actually i am still confused on whether it is known as progress. oh well, jus take it that i made some headway. headway in wat sense? hrm...in a sense that not everyone you can communicate well with are potential soulmates. one obvious clue is that he/she might actually already have good communication skills with others. you are jus that one person within a group of people that he/she is communicating with. suddenly felt very tiny and insignificant? haha...no need for that. cause you jus have to remember, that person is also jus another person in your large network of people that you communicate with. whahaah...revenge is sweet~~

soon my birthday will be upon me again. wishes for the upcomin birthday? hmmm...like usually hopefully can find a soulmate to be with till the end of our biological years. why do people have wishes? mainly its due to the fact that some of the things in life are too hard to achieve, hence the last resort, wishes. since its so hard to achieve, by the law of nature, you will NOT get it almost certainly. however, if you got no wish AT ALL. it doesnt mean that you get everything that you want. its jus that you are plain unmotivated, no ambition, no goal and jus wasting your life away. to even get a 'WANT' in your life.

recently, a sense of withdrawal came upon me as well. withdrawal from crowd. or at least from certain groups of people. not that i have anything against them or that anything happened. it jus happened. hmmmm...puzzled.

another thing i found out is that this is actually the lunar eight month. the most 'metal' month throughout the whole year. hmmm...this doesnt spell good. cos my ba zi must avoid the 'metal'. hmmmm...

today...tuesday, i think they showed the last episode of CSI : Las Vegas on Channel 5 this very nite. which season was it? no idea. all i was concerned about was the engaging investigation and sourcing for clues. soon they will be showing CSI : maiami(sounds like that)

today i also reach another height of tolerance. tolerance for? hmmm...at this point some flashback would come in...
(flash) (flash)

remembering sometime ago, something drove between my current project partner and me. and that has started to get me thinking if i am really that bad a person to get along with. if i had one wish from a magical genie, i would wish for one more truthful person to speak about me. i have enough...ENOUGH(stressing that point) of all this avoidance and surreal facts. can someone please tell me wats goin on??? current state:depression.

back then, i remember that there was this period of time when all the deadline came crashing. the due date of ART(automation and robotics technology) PBL(problem based learning) was drawing. not to mention the upcomin of the upcomin ART Final Assessement and the VIVA Presentation of our Final Year Project. that was a period of bleak-ness for me. it was a period where i saw myself repeating a previous mistake i made in my JC days. i was adamant to stop such a negative flow.

jus at this moment of crisis, i saw myself and my partner, through and through. the ART PBL was about a project that a group of us are supposed to embark on. in our group, there were 3 of us. hence the project was divided carefully into 3 sections and each would handle a section, namely the mechanical, electronics and programming. my partner gleefully took the mechanical part. i voluntered the programming section, while the 3rd member took the electronics.

as we had poorly organised and planned for this project, we had to do very last min work. i was glad that everyone was able to keep to their own section and fulfil each section's requirement. however, this was the most disappointing part as well. as i scramble within lines of sample codes, trying to understand it. my partner stood his ground. there was nothing wrong with it. except that, i had on my own wishful thinking hoped that he had helped out with the electronics section, as he had completed his section early. like i have said, that was my own wishful thinking...

i feel myself ever so tied up. another burden that i carried was my own reputation. the reputation that i was so good at what i do. people saw how easily i had excel at what i did, and overlooked my efforts i gave out for it. i was fed up with it. however, i could not have change mass opinions overnight. the worst part was that even my own partner cannot even believe that. he went out all the way to challenge me. challenge? are we not a team? are we not assist one another? are we not to cover each another's ass? are we not to take turns to play the fiddle? he flaunted his better results through only a few hours study, over my resutls. seriously, i did feel beated results wise, but i feel disappointed not havin a partner of at least the similar values.

days before the Final ART Assessment and ART PBL submission, he approached me on MSN and asked if i could help him study for the upcomin ART assessment. i was in the middle of cramming as much understanding of the program codes as i could and worrying for the ART assessment(which i have studied for). i was up to my neck with problems of my own. the least he could do is to at least ask how i was doin during this period.

suddenly ,gushes of memories relating to him came back all at once. it was always flashes about him goin out with frens for movie session. it was always about him telling other frens how much more free time he since he became a 3rd year student. my brain continued to dwell on the more and more of such related memories. that eventually tipped my scales. i blasted him off over MSN. from what i know, he has only wasted all his free time at who knows what, instead of consistently studying. suddenly, i developed an awareness. maybe there are really people who deserves assistance and help and some who doesnt at all.

my emotions ran amock and was at brink of insane madness. after that blast, i tried to keep my distance. when that was no longer possible, i left MSN. then continued in the piles of program codes.

ever since that nite, the wedge between us became very obvious and vivid. in the shape of knife and color of cold. knivin between us day after day, and adding chill as with progressing inch. it was a matter of time before the end.

(flashback end...back to trichome color)

i selected this course partly because of the sumo competition. i was super driven back when i first joined this course. i used to eat, sleep and think of Zer0. now only the hollow is left. the remainder passion is now driving my body to finish up Zer0. i am not lookin as forward to the birthdate of Zer0. now i know that it is one thing to fulfil a dream and another to fulfil dream with someone who literally wanna jus scrape through.

i jus finished the remote control for the auto Zer0. the PCB(printed circuit board) design was jus given to Mr Goh to be fabricated. as i announce to the rest of the sumo teams, his immediate reaction was :"you expect me to make the casing also ar?"

... ... ...tired... ... ...mentally... ... ...strained... ... ...

yea...the number 100th post...!!!celebration...

finally may have unlocked my own ba zi. i have always thot that ba zi of others are relatively easier to read than my own. well it turns out, i have finally figured mine out. happy happy happy. after like dun know since when, i finally done it.

i remember i started dabbling in basic feng shui around my secondary school days. then it moved to the more complex ba zi. touched abit on liu ren(which is a system used to predict future). pursuit XIANG(face reading) to learn more indepth reading of one person's character and his life. haha, then throughout...have been in continual motion of learning Fengshui. whaha...really busy...:) now aim to pick up Ziwei. haha..but kinda of like jack of all trade and master of none. hahaha...

hehe...here again after a very very long long break from bloggin. talking about bloggin, the (infamous/famous), depending on which you prefer, will be coming to Ngee Ann soon. she is of course not alone, there will be other blog celebs too, like Mr Brown, Popagandi, etc.

then on the bus, i was catching a glimpse of the Channel NewsAsia news flash scroller when my internal google rang alarm. BLoggin Championship? WTF? hmmm...perhaps i am not as XIAO ON(slang:enthu) in bloggin as the rest of the blogger race.

hehe...have been recollecting why i was so bz till i had such a long break. then it suddenly occured to me. too many things have happened. too many to write, to bitch and to complain. then it brings me to another point that i am maybe to attached to the world. haha...speaking very ZEN-ly.

really...i really need a few days to 'calm' or 'earth' myself abit. hope this span of days will come. meanwhile i am keeping myself busy with the project Zer0 and the 29th TAS(the adventure seekers)Anniversary Night. i am the sub-committee for Publication officer...hehe...

one of the facet of alan : lately have been feeling kinda of weird...er...i mean feel kinda of close to one person again. hmmm...wondering if i am demodulating the signal wrongly? or counting the frequency, period and duty cycle wrongly. hahaha...she really is a no joke character, 'powderful'(slang:powerful) enough to set me writing again...haha...

the other side of alan(the low confidence and inferior side) : aiyah...most probbably jus de-modulating it wrongly. ... ... ...please , take a good look at yourself. HOPELESS!!!

maxferes(alter ego) : waT? 0.o look here we have plenty of things to worry about, you better stop wussing around in girls. save some energy. i sense a big load of activities comin for us.

Finally the fengshui of my room has changed...phew...jus finished the final touches and movement. shld be around minimally 3 months for everything to take effect. now trying to personalise the re-arranged furniture to my own personal settings. haha...