last nite will working till very wee hours of this morning...i got a piece of news that someone saw joyce late at nite with frens at superbowl mac. i must admit i was quite bothered by the news.

i was at that moment quite curious and hence proceeded to ask a few questions abt wat had been seen. it may seem that i was taking the whole piece of information to be true, however, it is not. i had my reservations about it. without the confirmation by the involved party, any information can be made up, hearsay, rumored, opinionated or twisted. so i was jus fulfilling my curious side.

after that i didnt confirm that piece of news with her. y? its how she is. independent and care-free. she, i guess, has learned thus far how to stand on her own two feet from her past experience. so she has no one to be accountable to except herself and her parents. so what if the news was true? wat would it actually bring?

another part of me was sore-ly jealous of her frens. i know that been with her meant sharing her life with everyone and everything she loved or cared for. maybe its becos i have a small heart, which has problem containing all of that.

then it all mellowed over, i told myself the same line again. its how she is. she is one of those frens person. wat is a frens person? well as far as i can tell, its wat i am not...:)

out of everything, i jus wondered to myself. i all boils down to trust. that i have, thats why i have chosen not to ask her abt it or confirm it with her. she has no obligation to tell me abt it as well, i think...well i am over it...its jus another piece of information i heard...thats all...:)

time for class lor...

recently jus finished one of a quiz on one of my modules. it has clearly brought to my attention on how weak my foundation of all my modules are. so for once, i am really agitated. however, i am turning it into fuel for my latest drive.

not to forget, joyce bday drawing close. she hopes to see a flat tummy by then. initially, i was quite thrilled and obviously now i am not. i was thrilled initially becos i finally have a goal to chase after. however, up till recently, i am jus getting not liking the idea.

so wat if i dun have a flat tummy? does it mean that it will come between us? or that i m nothing much of a show off to her frens?

but i am still pushing ahead. however, this time its for myself. now i cant be bothered if it will be flat tummy by her birthday.

no...i am not talking abt the Jap movie Battle Royale.

rather, i am talking abt the ones in my life. every exam, in my personal view, is always a Battle Royale for every candiate. the paper is the arena and the grade is the final fate.

students in singapore are destined to walk the path of endless royale for at least 10yrs of studies. the glory of victors is not the distinction, rather it is the ability to remain a victor. the shame of defeat has to be carried by the rest. how would any child have such clear and vivid idealogy of victory and defeat? it is none other than the environment and experiences that are the best teachers in life.

government, public, friends and even families. everyone is taught to fend for thyself. for there can be no permanent friends only permanent interests. nobody owes anyone a living. cruel? cold? the animal kingdom works around these principles as laws of nature sheds no pity or praise for any specific species.

my Battle Royale is coming soon. specifically 3 weeks from now, excluding this week. this will be my last 4th BR. after which, i will be thrown into the real world to survive the ultimate test, life itself.

i haven chosen my path after this much of Battle Royale. i have chosen to uphold honour, brotherhood, righteousness, truth and courage. i have chosen not to dwell in the outcome of the royale, but dwell in its process. where in the process, acknowledge my own personal growth and self-awareness.

onward!!

recently something disturbing caught my attention at school.

everyone in school has a particular clique that he/she belongs to. so do i. within this clique of mine, there is this girl. her name is B(names have been changed to protect the identity of the person and assuming that u are dumb enough to not able to deduce it from all the given info).

no...its not abt an entanglement of love triangle. definitely not. rather its abt something that happened to her.

well, she is one of the more well nourished girls around in campus. and yeah, everyone in the gang is quite alright with it and all to the point that we are actually quite comfortable with one another. maybe abit too comfortable. there will always be consistent jokes abt her size and stuff. however, none is actually taken too seriously by both the proposer and reciever. she usually joins in the fun and laugh along, although it does bother her.

here is wat the problem is. the frequency of such jokes have rocketed quite a fair bit. seriously, we arent the first gang of frens to dish it to her like that. her ex-colleagues used to do that to her as well. wat really bugs me is that she seems to be enjoying it quite a fair bit since it rocketed.

i am not saying that she should go all out and kill everyone that dishes her jokes or to take it to heart everything. however, isnt it abt time she give a firm stand on this issue? is she trying to gain more attention towards herself? OR maybe she thinks its her only way of 'fitting' in? did we put her in this situation first? shld she probbably stop the abuse on her pride?

well, from my point of view, it aint stopping. cos she hasnt realised that her pride is being beaten to a pulp. the proposers are jus doin it cos they think she enjoys it. neither one is making any sense. usually its only righteous to 'save' the unfortunate and to undo the 'wrong'. however, is it a save and a wrong if none thinks of it as such?

I dun mind a joke or 2 abt really sensitive issues, like my receding hairline. seriously, who doesnt have it? however, can we really find it in our capacity to joke it off with a firm stand or to jus simply make a joke out of it and recognise that it is touchy for the recipient?

yea...reality sets in. april is the month for exams and not forgetting joyce's bday. so the question is: who is more important? since she is not that type who ask these type of trick question i shall ask on her behalf. :)

well nothing good comes out of last min work. so i am working on both items at the same time. o.0 is that a good answer? hahaha...

everything is fine between us now. details and analysis? now will be a good time. instead of directly jus after conflict resolution. know y? becos cant really get un-excited when i am with her. jus pure CLEAN excitement. its jus like when u see the christmas present walkin up towards u, and of course its the long awaited and legendary present-that-will-almost-nv-be-unless-u-get-it-yourself.

so there was this whole of assumption that i made which turns out to be unfounded. well, its ok. at least i now know its unfounded. the most important is why the unfounded-ness was hatched? one word answer-worried.

and seriously, she aint psychic too. so she didnt know that i was, till the tell-tale signs showed. for example, harsh words and serious tone. all that i can say that she really did quite well with this current conflict resolution. guess she will be on her way to mastering the SHA JIAO(definition: technique used by girls to 'underhand-edly' get away with things).

oh rite...i still have a uni life...back to studies.

the best thing abt being a depression-ist, is that once u have affirmed that the ugliest was painted but its not even a fraction representative of the actual picture. everything becomes a whole lot more beautiful relative from the painted ugly picture.

deep down i am a twisted depression-ist...

so everything turn out fine. like always, like usual. THATs good. i like the usual part. becos, its diabetic-ally sweet. and who isnt a sucker for sweet stuff?

details? once again too many overlooked assumption. so engineer-ically speaking, have to iterate the workings with the newly estimated values and alterated assumptions. an engineer's work never cease, as we try to slowly unravel nature's secret one variable at a time and one assumption at a time.

meanwhile, i think its safe to say that i kinda of like dumping my worries and complains and watever nasty things here. i guess i like it that way and/or i find another alternative method.

made another attempt to drop off the letter at her car again jus now. the time was 2115hrs. to yet another disappointment, the car wasnt there.

she was said to be attending a family sort of church wedding around noon time. so i predicted that well, 2115hr looks like a fine good time to be back home. since she will be having a hetic day tmr. with church in the morning and later goin to batam for ski-ing with her colleagues.

this latest failed attempt has made me realise 2 important lessons. 1) it is definitely pointing towards the directions that i am not supposed to apologise for wat i did at her graduation ceremony. after the failed attempt at the car park. i tried to drop it at her home. and nothing...nobody's home.

the next thing that i have come to realise is how badly i have failed as a bf. the word is TERRIBLY. sad and pathetic attempts like this makes me wonder why i am still carrying on the name as her bf.

so after the failed attempt i tried to find out where she was. up to this point, please note that i dun have the habit of seriously obessing with her every single move. however, it is continuous failure of my surprise discreet actions that lead me down this path.

back to topic, she replied that she was still out at 2115+hrs, which was fine with me on any other sat. BUT not this sat. i tried twice on 2 different occasion asking her out, but was directly and straight in the face turned down by the reason of havin wedding to attend today. so i said fine.

wat really breaks the last straw was that upon enquiring if she was still out celebrating with her family, she stopped sms-ing. that was an expected response, i wouldnt have expected otherwise. this sudden breakdown in sms-ing has only 2 reasons.

reason 1: she doesnt wanna lie and doesnt want to say the truth. hence the third option of silence is used. this is an often used technique, which in fact, i hate.

reason 2: she didnt get the sms i sent.

i am however, quite inclined to believe the reason 2. becos if it really lead to reason 1, ... the picture jus turns bad.

alan's imagination:
degraded from 1 date per month to jus sms-pals. then ... the end?

she replied. saying that she is going home already. upon reciving my latest sms of asking if she got my last sms. quite confirming that it is heading towards reason 1. wat is it with her and jus saying the truth?

is she afraid that the truth hurts that she INDEED chose to go out with frens almost every other time than go out with me. not counting the recent V-day. i have nv gone out with her alone.

Not counting V-day and CNY visitation, i haven gone out with her yet. well that is not quite fair since we jus kinda of patch back at V-day and feb ended quick. so we look into march. i only met her on a tuesday, her graduation ceremony with leslie and serene along too. not that i mind their company, cos i dun think i will ever get a chance of joyce asking me out, if not for leslie and serene askin her if she wanted to double date. sad. but thats how things look from here.

how abt the rest of the month? well...still haven got confirmation of my booking with her on the 24 march and 27 march nite. cos work week, she will definitely be hanging the word tired on her mouth. and she is booked to rock climb with her colleagues next sat. so my best bet is the remainder 2nd half of march. or shld i even give a damn?

does she even know how much i gave up on tuesday to go to her ceremony? shld have jus stayed at school. there wasnt even a thanks for coming. it all ended in a quarrel.

quarrel content:
- i studied my lecture notes on the ceremony but i stopped for only her part where she goes to stage.

- i was still paying attention.

- till that day did i know that her class was too big and had to be divided into 2 classes and she was in class 2. before that i was wondering wat special meaning did class 2 had.

she felt that i shldnt be studying. ok i admit, i was doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. but she could have jus said something else other than saying that "u can dun come de lor"

sigh.

oh...i had fun with myself today. walkin around town central...guess it will be soon when more such wkends will come.

news update:
she is finally home(i guess) at 2315. now the question is shld i go and deliver the letter? ...

this maybe the only place left for me to rant at will, complain non-stop and unload everything i carry.

this is march 10 2007 0139hrs...

why am i up so late? partially becos i was out meeting some old buddies. benny and kumar. the other part? trying to send out my letter of forgiveness...

summary update:
- back together with joyce again...
- recently attended her graduation ceremony
- did something else at her graduation ceremony

hence, i was up on the idea of writing her a letter to ask for forgiveness. this idea was to be coupled by the other idea of leaving the letter on the windscreen of her car. i visited her usual carpark at 2230hrs. no sign of her car. then again at 0100hrs. DISAPPOINTED

i wonder if i am more angry about not delivering the letter or not knowing what had happened to her. the last i heard from her was a reply that she didnt knock off earlier. that is relative to her almost everyday OT timing. if i told u that it wasnt getting to me...i will be lying through my keyboard.

its not that i am trying to keep tabs on her. but isnt it amazing how i can think of communication as the most important tool yet she is not very into this communication stuff. or maybe jus not to me?

i was jus talking to benny. he was telling me that he wasnt planning to get attached at all. seems that he feels his lack of time would lead to his lack of commitment. funny how it seems to be with joyce.

with her 5-day work week on her shoulders, the most impt thing she need at the end is a good rest. so that leaves jus wkends. with sunday being her family cohension day, saturday is the only day of the week left. however, the contenders are getting to be in a very long queue. from friends, to colleagues, to me and probable other family matters.

so if you work out the stats, i will on average get 1 date per month. the odds jus gets better, since her friends group consist of many other sub groups which can have the options of taking up more than 1 sat. not to mention the colleague bonding that is essential to all workplace.

"face it" u say. ya...i have to understand her pain-staking 'body splitting' every month. too add to above odds, she is probably the least sticky girl i have seen.

maybe the problem really actually lies with me. sighz...we will nv know.

i am of course an uninteresting person with rather low sense of humour. low apathy replaced with a very engineer's touch of reason and looking at things. i am not a dresser not to mention good looks or chiselled body. i have ego, pride and low intellect coupled with low confidence.

by now you should have a picture or the worst guy you can meet on the street. not to forget my t-shirt, basketball pants and slippers.