i am back here again. back here to lament and complain about my life. back here to lament and complain about ... loneliness

it has struck again. once someone told me that what you focus on expands. i guess i am too focus to put loneliness behind that eventually i made it a much bigger problem than i have realised.

i wish to have someone to live on the green meadows jus on the cliff overlooking the sea. in the morning, we would watch the sunrise and listen to the sea wash the shore. in the hot afternoon, we would bathe and enjoy ourselves in the sea. when night fell, we would lay on the wide meadows counting each and every stars. we could tend to a small bed of flowers and relax the days that pass us by.

what i need is more than jus bestiary pleasures of the body. what i need is someone whom i can talk to. someone whom i can resonant my thoughts with. someone whom i can share my days and woes with. someone whom is willing to let me be a part of her life.

can there be one who can satisfy this? am i asking for too much? for the though of this loneliness is purely devasting. when you cry over spilt milk, the crying helps to allievate the guilt away. however, what do you do when you are lonely? can the company of friends do any good? i wished and hoped that the company of friends could be an alternative source. however, the 'agony' is still there, nothing resolved

in art of war, one of the worst case scenario is when your troops are attacked when you are halfway acrossed the river. in such situation, the general usually has to decide between retreating back to the bank his troops left, or make it to the other side, or staying put and fight. all decisions has its con weighing heavily down on the commander and his troops.

hence my situation. while crossing the river of life, i am attacked by loneliness. do i continue crossing the river? or do i wait for the reinforcement(the solution to loneliess) to arrive?

we have been on quite talking terms. i am basically not ashamed nor held back when talkin to her. it was only recently that i felt that i am slowly withdrawing from her. i seem to mind what she does, who she meets, what she says or even mind that she's not around sometimes. i guess i withdraw because i felt afraid. afraid of what might be? afraid of? afraid of my inadequate, in short inferiority complex. what i ask for now is a sign. a visible sign to continue to hem and haw or to take the great leap forward.