hmmm...i took some BIG steps within these days. so no harm taking another one. actually, i have been quite hesitant about puttin up names and actual events that happen around me. for one, i was kinda sparing a thought for others' privacy. well, not everyone is quite open about what happens to them. NOT that i am a show-off. its jus that i got really bad handwriting to write a diary, besides wouldnt want to continue to kill off more trees jus so i can write.

so...on that matter, i would jus like to say who i was referring to in the March 27th, 2005 post. that person is Song Meiling. she was jus a classmate's 'sista'. then became a fren's 'sista', whom eventually became a fren.

as most of my 'psychic' frens have guessed, something really terribly big happened within the last 2 days. to others, i was jus making a molehill. to me, everest jus stood before thee.

erm...lets jus start the story from 2 days ago, on a particular night.

it was that day when i had recovered myself from all that weird thinking event. i had a mini study camp right at my house. meiling and serene were one of the few who arrived the earliest. i then tried to relate my joy in the riddance of mind-gripping thoughts. i must have looked really stupid at the moment. not realising anything about the meaning behind my consistent grilling over something so insignificantly non-related to myself.

then night fell, i still remember meiling approached me on MSN. she was checking if i was studying. we talked quite abit. actually we talked quite alot. she even managed to help me find out my feelings, which i had difficulty trying to understand all along. suddenly, everything jus fell into place. my own actions are actually the basic reaction of my emotions and feelings. by the mere, reviewing of my own actions, thoughts and memories, i have found my feelings. my feelings for her. i confessed without haste, right into her screen. my first confession. the most amazing thing was that it was done very naturally. i didnt feel that i had to make up any sentence, phrase or words that might please her. i jus typed what was on my mind. at that particular moment i was pleased.

that was night number 1. then followed day number 2. i still cannot get over the confession. i cannot get over that feeling of light-heartedness. that feeling of ahhh...(s0othing). however, my brain wouldnt jus let it go. there seemed to be something missing. actually, i did feel that something was missing and amiss right after the confession, but i was jus too ignorant of it till day number 2. i thought long and hard all the way till evening, when i finally found out what was wrong.

during the confession, i had expressed that i like her in a very close way. however, due to that short duration of time, my limited simplified english vocab and crystal clear understanding of that closeness, i jus said i like her. however, what i really do wanna mean was that i like her, and can i be her boyfriend.

so during the night number 2, i found my way to her screen through MSN again. i did not jus popped that question immediately right in front of her screen. NO way. that was jus too abrupt, uncouth and simply ill-mannered. we talked abit before thankfully and successfully, pulling up right into the main topic, or rather the main question. i popped her the question and waitied patiently for her reply. it almost seemed like the longest reply i had to wait. i was panicking right into my bones, while getting excited about the results.

alot of thoughts went flashing in and out of my mind and all of them seemed to converge into a single thought. a thought that i will not push her for her answer, because that would be simply too un-gentleman. i was actually jus expecting her answer to be a floating answer. meaning, i popped the question, to check out the progress bar. you know, when you begin to download files from the internet, you have to check whether the connection has been established. same idea.

meiling's reply was she needed time to think about it. EXPECTED. then i reply 'naturally'. if she had jus replied yes at that spot, i would really doubt the shelf life of our relationship. then she moved on to say that she would probabbly give an answer after her exams. EXPECTED. i wouldnt want her to destory her future jus thinking about us. i must admit, my timing was like kinda off. hehe...so now, at least at the 'attemptin to connect' stage. to break off the tension that i might have accidentally added on the conversation, i TRIED to crack a joke.

i think i am slightly more cheerful than my previous self, but unsure as to why that is happening.

met her today again at school. during this period of her consideration, i have made a promise to myself to maintain that status quo of being her fren. meaning, trying to act all normal, like normal. (wondering if last few sentences made any sense)